What makes it hard to de-convert?

Let me start off by saying I’m a confident woman. I have pride, and I know what I know, and I know what I’m good at. I like the approval of others as much as anyone, but if I don’t have it, I don’t think about it much. If anything, I wonder if they just don’t understand me… which isn’t the end of the world, either.

But being a Christian woman, a Christian wife, makes some things a little different. There’s this whole idea of what I’m supposed to be like, which I more or less ignore. Obedience was not in my wedding vows, I do not want kids, I have more college education than my husband, and I make a higher salary (until he finishes his career change). I even like to drive. But my husband considers himself the head of the household (come to think of it, what the hell does “head of household” even mean?), and morally responsible for me. This is a little weird when I say “Honey, I’m an atheist,” and he says, “This is my fault.”

Because of course, it isn’t his fault.

That makes conversation about my non-religious conversion difficult. It’s not that I don’t want to hurt him, exactly, because I have faith in his faith in God. The first time this topic came up between us, the “A” word wasn’t even in the picture– but regardless, he told me he felt suicidal. I’d say that’s partially my fault and mostly God’s.  But not only do I, as an atheist, have a lot to prove (as far as having a working lifestyle/philosophy), he as a Christian now has a lot to prove to me.

Not that I don’t feel a little bad. I know he didn’t sign up for this.


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