Eternity

There is an aspect of de-conversion that is not very obvious, and is not always what it seems, and is very hard to work through.  I am refering to the loss of that little reminder that no matter how bad things get, no matter how much time I waste, no matter which projects never get done, there is an eternity waiting for me where I won’t even remember this life and where everything will be perfect forever.

 

It sounds so obviously false from where I am now, one year from my de-conversion.  But this little parachute has served me well over the years, calming my worries that my life is out of control.

 

I am still learning how to deal with the anxiety that comes up whenever I can’t avoid the fact that I am working and commuting 12-hour days, living in a house whose mortgage alone takes up around 60 percent of the family income.  I don’t have much time to play, and I don’t have much money.  I work and when I get home I look out at my backyard to figure out how I can fix it.  I buy dinners that can be unfrozen during the week even though I enjoy cooking.  And every once in awhile I look at my life and freeze.  This is it.  This is all I’ve got.  If I’m not doing what I love right now, I’d better be working toward the time when I will be doing what I love.

 

There is no Heaven.  There is no reward, no mansion, no, “well done, good and faithful servant.”  We’re born, we work, we die.  And that’s it.  But that’s not the depressing part.

 

The depressing part is when I wonder if I will manage to make my own reward here.  It’s depressing when I see that the answer might be no, like it is for so many people.  How can I make my own “yes”?  How can I recover from the loss of that useful delusion; how can I trick myself into working cheerfully every day without that promise that everything will be okay?

 

I think I used to be a lot more optimistic.  But then I also used to be a lot more deluded.

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2 Responses to “Eternity”

  1. schevus Says:

    One of the ways I maintain my happiness is to have a purpose in life. I don’t know if it’s productive or useful for your purpose to be to achieve happiness. For me, my purpose is to help people as much as I am able, and to try to leave the world a better place than when I came into it.

    When I am working toward those goals, I find I am happiest, although those are far from the only things that make me happy. If you are miserable in your current situation in life, you may want to consider making some changes.

  2. Captain Jack Morning Says:

    A giving person is a happy person

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