Personal philosophy challenged. Again.

I woke up Saturday with an uncontrollable urge to go roller skating.  Luckily, I have roller skates, so off I went.  Then I went to a gaming café, and afterwards went home and baked a cake (Apple-Ginger Upside-down Cake), thereby missing the Derby.  My whole day was thrown off because I had planned to go to the Café, then changed my mind that morning, then my husband wanted to go so I went with him.  Before I knew it, it was after noon.  Don’t you hate when that happens?  All I wanted to do was bake goodies in my quiet kitchen, maybe listen to a little music. 

The weirdest part of the weekend was because of a dream wherein I had a happy reunion with an old friend.  It kindof threw me off because we aren’t exactly on speaking terms; I call it friendship limbo.  Anyways.  What happens the next day is that I get an email:

So-and-so would like to be your friend on Facebook!

Then I had a 30-second sputtering and cursing fit.  “Oooooohhh!  He wants to be my friend on Facebook!  Fuckin lunatic!  God damn him.  Fuck you.  Either be my friend in real life or fuck you.”

I don’t normally say “fuck you” so I was vaguely amused with myself.  But I was also angry, and suddenly exhausted.  And just that morning, Sunday School offered a fairly good dose of advice.  Buddhists call it detachment, Stoics call it fatalism, the Christians these days call it “aligning yourself with the will of God” (*eye roll*).  Even though I’d already been practicing it in the Stoic form, it was good (and, as you’ll see, timely) to have the reminder.  As Epecetus said,

Our opinions are up to us, and our impulses, desires, aversions–in short, whatever is our doing. Our bodies are not up to us, nor our possessions, our reputations, or our public offices, or, that is, whatever is not our doing…So remember, if you think that things naturally enslaved are free or that things not your own are your own, you will be thwarted, miserable, and upset, and will blame both the gods and men.

In other words, nobody makes you feel anything; your feelings are your own and your responsibility.  So after I cooled down from my fuck-off-a-thon, I had a nice long drive to work out my reaction.  I am still angry and hurt, but I have to take responsibility for that and change my feelings without requiring anything from my friend.  It is not his responsibility to make me stop being angry.  Or, if it is his responsibility, that is independent from my responsibility to be calm and be a good person who does not say “fuck you”, at least not to his face.  So another challenge to my personal philosophy which I will have to get through because I do not want to be medicated for depression again just because I can’t get my shit together.

Fuckin lunatic.  Fuck him!

LOL

On the plus-side, I went out to have Indian food last night, then to a concert of Classical Indian music, which was completely wonderful.  Magical, even.

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