Archive for January, 2010

emotional immaturity

January 21, 2010

I’ve got a lifetime of Christian programming and ten years of abusive marriage to recover from.  I know this.  Now, the details are getting filled in.

My housemate scolds me sometimes because I’m “not as scared as I should be” about the economy and my lack of employment.

And it occurred to me that I’m not scared because I don’t feel anything.  I’d been dishonest with myself — and in denial– about my emotions throughout my marriage.  This doesn’t even count any emotional immaturity resulting from being taught to “give it all to Jesus”.  But I said to my friend, “I’m trying to act as if I was scared.  I know I should be, but my feeling receptors are broken.”  I’m not trying to feel sorry for myself, just trying to be a grown-up and act rationally and take care of myself despite my shortcomings.

Then I realized I’m also recovering from a lifetime of programming that tells me, if I trust God and trust my husband, everything will be okay.  This was a breakthrough for me, actually, because lately I tend to sit around and behave like everything is going to work itself out.  (I know, even a Christian would tell you that their god doesn’t promise to give you a job if you don’t get out and apply for one.)  But this was  a wake up call.  I need to outsource more of my brain and put a big sign up on my mirror: DO SOMETHING!  IT’S NOT GOING TO DO ITSELF!

In conclusion, I will now purchase my own copy of the A+ study guide, start studying basic Unix commands, and apply for a job at JPL.

change of plans

January 11, 2010

Okay, I don’t know if anyone even remembers, but I was supposed to be growing things in my backyard and having goats and chickens.  This is not going to happen because I decided to move in with my grandmother.  She’s sick, basically dying of cancer.  But she is mobile– the problem is that she just can’t handle being alone.  I’ll spare you the details, but she basically gets scared and calls 911 a lot.  My family has been paying a caretaker for live-in care, and I was invited to live with her– they would pay me and cover living expenses like food and utilities.  I’d be cheaper than the nurses-in-training they are paying now, and of course they get to keep the money in the family.

This was tempting since I have no income and the economy is a little scary now.  I initially decided against it because I was trying to put together my future as an unmarried person and get my new career plans in order.  But I finally realized (i.e., my housemate finally got it through my head) that I’d be a fool not to take the opportunity– not only because I’d finally have income, but mostly because I’d regret it if I didn’t take the opportunity to get to know my grandmother better before she dies.  Plus, I’d have plenty of time to review and plan and even start to implement my new life at grandma’s.  And, while she probably won’t eat the wierd Indian food that I love to cook, she does have a fully-functional and traditional kitchen, which will be nice.  (Right now I have regular stove and oven, but without ventilation hood, so we do some cooking outdoors over propane.  Plus, the house is so often in shambles due to it’s being a fixer-upper-in-progress that I have little counterspace to speak of.  Not that I’m complaining exactly, it’s just a little unusual.)

Anyways, now I feel I’m almost back to where I started.  My grand plan to raise food in my backyard is down for the count– but not completely.  My grandma’s yard is tiny and almost completely shaded.  But that will help me be more creative.  And my mom’s yard has plenty of sun, and mom wants chickens!

This could turn out to be a very neat year.  I’ll need to focus on my motivation and determination.  I have a bad habit of getting discouraged and giving up when things turn out to be more difficult than I anticipated.  I blame that partly on my old religion, which somehow taught me that if the road is too rocky, then God is trying to say it’s not his will.  Of course that’s due to my laziness too, I’m not trying to absolve myself completely.  It just seems that every time I notice a bad trait in myself, I immediately make a connection to something I was taught in Christianity and how that teaching made my negative traits worse, or re-inforced them.  To be fair I should consider my good traits and see how Christianity encouraged them.

But like I said, even if I can’t move my plans forward in practice, I’ll be able to improve my habits and character traits.  That counts for a lot in my book.