emotional immaturity

I’ve got a lifetime of Christian programming and ten years of abusive marriage to recover from.  I know this.  Now, the details are getting filled in.

My housemate scolds me sometimes because I’m “not as scared as I should be” about the economy and my lack of employment.

And it occurred to me that I’m not scared because I don’t feel anything.  I’d been dishonest with myself — and in denial– about my emotions throughout my marriage.  This doesn’t even count any emotional immaturity resulting from being taught to “give it all to Jesus”.  But I said to my friend, “I’m trying to act as if I was scared.  I know I should be, but my feeling receptors are broken.”  I’m not trying to feel sorry for myself, just trying to be a grown-up and act rationally and take care of myself despite my shortcomings.

Then I realized I’m also recovering from a lifetime of programming that tells me, if I trust God and trust my husband, everything will be okay.  This was a breakthrough for me, actually, because lately I tend to sit around and behave like everything is going to work itself out.  (I know, even a Christian would tell you that their god doesn’t promise to give you a job if you don’t get out and apply for one.)  But this was  a wake up call.  I need to outsource more of my brain and put a big sign up on my mirror: DO SOMETHING!  IT’S NOT GOING TO DO ITSELF!

In conclusion, I will now purchase my own copy of the A+ study guide, start studying basic Unix commands, and apply for a job at JPL.

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