I hate to have regrets, but I also hate not being honest with myself.  So I’m gonna call it what it is and hope I can get over it more quickly that way.

I forget if I have mentioned this in a previous post, but sometimes I get this feeling of anxious rage (mainly rage– the anxious part is because of the huge feeling overpowering me that I can’t control).  Sounds extreme, but there it is.  And I had it today, while watching some crime-solver-cop TV show with grandma.  It showed a little flashback for two characters, when they were in dating in high school and fooling around on the couch.  And I regreted that I missed that phase of growing up.  And I don’t simply regret it, like, oh, I carefully decided then, but I wish I had chosen differently.  I was so ignorant, so scared, so Christian, that I had not made an informed choice. 

So I tell myself, “Alice, if you’d done the standard amount of fooling around on couches, you’d probably have regrets about that.”  And I know it is true.  I calm down a little when I think that.  But I still can’t help feeling so cheated.  I’m scrambling around, almost 30 years old, trying to act my age instead of like a desperate divorced woman trying to make up for lost time.  The problem is that I never acted like I was 16 when I could get away with it.  I never had my 20s, my wild years, time to live alone, to get to know myself.  I did what was expected and what was easy all my life and now I’m paying for it.  I’m not even a Christian any more, so it’s not like I get points with Jesus for being a good girl. 

I know, I know– I’m disease-free, I’m child-free, I’m even paying-alimony-free.  Calm down, woman, Jesus Christ.

I’m starting a relationship with someone a bit older than me, so he’s giving me all this good advice, but I can’t help thinking, “I will not lose my 30’s too!”  But what the hell do I even want my 30s to look like?  Here I am getting into another relationship when first off, everyone knows you’re not supposed to do that right after a divorce, and second, I want to be my own goddamn person and screw up and make mistakes like everyone else does– not just follow advice and be safe and do what’s best all the time!

Gods, that sounds stupid.  But there it is.  Guess the 16-year-old Alice is still in there, after all. 

I’m going to my room.


One Response to “regrets”

  1. Laura Says:

    I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way. And my college years, gone, too. I missed all the fun parts of growing up, but I got all the problems.

    Watching Teen Mom makes me feel better. They did the normal growing up stuff, but they have to miss out on the fun parts of life, too. It kind of makes me realize that hardly anybody has the perfect teenage/college years that are portrayed on tv.

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