Archive for April, 2010

the upside to depression

April 5, 2010

I’ve been experiencing a relapse in my depression.  Nothing to commit myself over, just hopeless, lonely, bored, exhausted, want to cry, angry… whatever.  It’s about as bad as it’s ever been, as I recall.  But there are upsides. 

1: No husband around telling me that I am depressed because I don’t have a god any more, and if I just started believing in one again– one in particular, of course– I would be as happy as a woodland sprite and twice as cute.

2: Related to 1– Nobody else trying to guilt trip me because how dare a Christian be depressed when God Him Self came and died for your sins so you don’t have to burn for eternity, you ungrateful little shit.  How dare you.

But gods.  It sucks.  If I remember right, the last time this happened I felt mostly numb and sad and hopeless.  Now, I am getting rage.  And more crying.  I feel like this is a breakthrough because I am learning how to feel.  So now… to deal with that.  Without beer and/or Vicoden.

But do I distract myself?  Sit and cry and try to get it out?  Call someone?  Specifically not call someone for the sole purpose of getting through it on my own?

Do I use more italics when I am depressed?

Must be feeling better.

Must be the writing it out.  Will remember this.

I think it helps, too, to try to reason myself out of my sad feelings.  I mean, sometimes there’s really something to be sad about.  I have a few of those somethings.  But still: feeling trapped: yes, a bad feeling, and basically true.  But look where you’re trapped.  I’m stuck with my family who cares about me, in the town I grew up in, with food, my own room, hot water, and cable TV.

Then, the only danger is to beat myself up with guilt for feeling sad over nothing.  There’s actually very little risk of that.  Guilt never worked on me and I never got into the habit of doing it to myself.

Reading over what I just wrote, I realize there’s one thing I’m really struggling over.  Friendship.  I don’t know how it works.  I think I might be okay at being there for someone who needs me.  But I don’t know how to ask for help when I need it.  The few times I’ve done it, it’s gone horribly wrong.  The worst was last year when I did get some support for my divorce– some necessary support that I would not have survived without– but when I was truly desperate, I leaned on a friend hard and he let me fall.  Hard.  Nobody picked me up.  It took me weeks, if not months, to recover.  I don’t think I know how to trust, when to trust, when to need, when asking for help is appropriate and who to ask from…  I don’t know what else I don’t know, but I suspect it is a lot.  I know my inner resources are somewhat limited, but when they are exhausted, they are exhausted, and I would have thought that’s what friends are for.  Maybe I had it right the whole time but I just had the bad luck to lean on the wrong friend at the wrong time.  I don’t know.

So… in a way, it’s good that I’m here with little support.  I mean, I have my parents and a few others, but I’m scared to trust them with anything very major.  But that just means I have to get through it on my own.  Hopefully, then the next time I scramble for resources, I might find everything I need within me. 

I know it sounds cheesy.  I could write a Disney musical number right about now.

Fuck, I just realized I’m starting my period soon.  Fucking PMS.  You know, I was on the pill for ten years, didn’t have PMS.  Then I got a Death Star (aka “IUD”– copper, not hormonal) and my uterus started directing the hormonal chorus again.  Totally forgot what it felt like!

Well, good thing there’s Daily Squee.