I’ve stopped after only an hour of packing to wonder why I want to stop packing.  I am moving tomorrow– if I can get everything in my hatchback, that is.  I have my doubts.  My lizard’s terrarium and my guitar take up a good amount of awkward space, but hopefully I can also fit in two garbage bags of clothes, Indian spices, books, and of course the dog in her travel-box.  Books and desktop computer are going in last just in case it don’t all fit.

The worst part of leaving NorCal is leaving my mom.  Everything else, I think I can handle.  I am moving back in with my old housemates, and this is giving me pause.  I really really REALLY want to be independent right now, but without a job that is pretty much impossible.  I want to live alone and answer to nobody.  I love to be surrounded by friends, but I require privacy.  But the thing is, I am so totally fucked up from being married to a con artist– I don’t even know the extent of the damage yet.  I completely appreciate good advice and guidance, but it is difficult to be gracious about it when what I really want is to just go go go how I want to.  I don’t want to be using my friends and then just take off when I get the job and everything settled.  But of course, that is also exactly what I want on some level– I can’t live on the generosity of my friends forever.

When it comes down to it, I don’t know how healthy relationships are supposed to work.  If a friend needs help and a place to stay, and you can provide it, what does the friend owe you?  Is that a favor?  Is that simply what friends do?  It feels like a debt; how will I repay it? 

I conclude that I need to have a talk with my friends.


One Response to “moving”

  1. Laura Says:

    Hope it’s going well and you were able to work everything out! Still here, still rooting for you!

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