I’ve been having some problems lately and classifying them as “not that bad” even though I know I really ought to get help.  My employer offers this assistance program where they (the program, not my employer) refer me to a mental health specialist, who will give me six or so free sessions.  I really have to do this.  I’ve run down the list of my symptoms and looked online, and I don’t think I can be diagnosed with anything– which is good because I don’t want to be medicated.  At the same time, though, I am aware that I have been self-medicating, and not in a way I can justify as healthy, like being addicted to working out or eating vegetables or something.

Mood swings: not rapid, but definitely pronounced, 2-3 changes per day, and sometimes with a very low mood or a very high mood.  Motivation changes daily.  This is the most distressing thing.

Hungry!  Which makes me anxious because I have been getting squishy.  Not fat, but, you know, softer, which is new for me because I love to lift weights and jog.  The home gym is out of commission for another month or so (home improvement), and I have a gym membership but have a very hard time getting it into my daily schedule in such a way that I can’t get out of it easily… if that makes sense.

Self-medicating.  I go through weeks where I drink every night, and rarely have 3-4 drinks in an evening.  I can abstain from drinking altogether, but the urge is there.

I’m sleeping fine, actually, and sleeping enough, but having a lot of trouble getting up in the morning.

Oh… my memory.  I almost forgot.  (Ha!)  I forget things.  Like, last week, I was at work, and went back to finish a small project I had put aside.  But actually, I was remembering completely wrong: I had already finished the project.  Very weird.

Speaking of work, I’m having trouble managing my different projects.  I try to sit down to sort everything out, but then I get anxious because I’m not actually progressing in any of them.

It’s the anxiety that’s getting me.  Sometimes I just can’t sit still, or can’t concentrate.  It feels like something is wrong, but I can’t articulate it.

And then I randomly, suddenly, remember things about my ex.  For example.

In the first year or two of our marriage, he said to me, “If you ever cheat on me, you want to know what I’ll do?”

“Uh, I’ll never cheat on you.”  I remember he used to ask for regular assurance that I wouldn’t leave him or cheat on him, and he would tell me that he feared that a lot.  Years later he would not ask much at all.  He would also cheat on me, once that I know of.  “But go ahead.”

He said if I ever cheated on him, and then confessed, but wanted to mend the relationship, he would tell me that I had to have anal sex with ten men before he would take me back.  And then, after I did that and went back to him, he would say, “Why would I ever want a slut like you?”

So that’s creepy.  It didn’t creep me out at the time; I was more confused, like, how did you come up with this, and why are you telling me?  Looking back, I wonder if it was supposed to be a warning… I mean obviously it was a warning but did he mean it as a warning for me not to cheat on him?

That whole memory popped into my head Monday on the drive home from work.  My partner gave me a sleeping pill that night.

I try to remind myself that I’m still healing and I need time and rest and safety and security.

But I think I also need therapy.


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