Posts Tagged ‘depression’


July 23, 2011

Even though I just watched a TED Talk short about why it’s a bad idea to announce your goals once you’ve made them, I think I better write a bit about the decision I just made.  A couple of things I’ve been trying to think about lately finally became clear, and a question I’ve barely been able to formulate just became answerable– and the answer is…

Background first.

Fact is, I’ve had two nervous breakdowns in the past couple years.  I used to joke to myself, “Wow, I think I’m having a nervous breakdown!”  And then I actually looked up the definition of a nervous breakdown, and… oh.  Um.  Wow.  I am indeed having a nervous breakdown.  For those of you uninterested in clicking on that Wikipedia link, let me sum up.  Nervous breakdown is a layman’s term describing symptoms of anxiety and depression which follows a stressful event– difficulty adapting to a major life change.  It’s a bit like post-traumatic stress disorder, albeit on a smaller scale: I have never been in a war zones.  But seeing as how I lost my faith, then divorced my husband, then quit my job, then moved in with my grandma to help her die of cancer, I think I am qualified for some sort of breakdown.  Or two.

I have since become employed (underemployed, but resignedly so– see above on mental breakdown, and consider my ability to function on a professional level) and survived the probationary period (keeping my chest tat covered and keeping the atheist cat in the bag: success!) (oh and I worked hard, too) (too many parenthesis going on, let me start a new paragraph).

So, depression and anxiety.  It would be silly to take any meds for this, since it’s not like I have a chemical imbalance, I just have plenty to be anxious and depressed about, and I figure time will heal.  I haven’t wanted to read, or write, or play video games much.  I’ve found it hard to get interested in anything or do anything once I get home.  And despite my two lovely housemates, I feel lonely and disconnected.  I mean, going to church isn’t really an option.  And I am trying to keep things professional at work since it is a small gossipy workplace and I don’t want it to come out that I’m an atheist or a big ol’ queer.

Oh, I haven’t mentioned the queer thing on the blog.  Well, trust me: I do not have a conventional sexuality.  Teh Gays disapprove of me.  I’ll leave it at that for now.

So, being lonely is a big factor in my life.

Oh, and, some lab results just came in and I have a slight B-12 deficiency.  And I’m not even vegetarian!  But that would partially explain my fatigue.  And, even weirder, I have slightly high levels of bilirubin, which may or may not mean I have jaundice.  Jaundice!!  The doctor specifically told me this was not a big deal at the moment, and that I need more tests done before he knows for certain.  But … jaundice!  The head spins.

All of this– nervous breakdowns, fatigue, and lab tests– led me to the question I mentioned above: what am I going to do about my social needs?  Well, the answer, duh: the internet.  And here I’d been avoiding socializing on the internet, disabling Facebook and not blogging or commenting on blogs.  So I stormed the Intarwebs today and pulled up Skepchick.

I’ll not tell you exactly what I decided, because the Intarwebs and science told me not to.  The main idea is probably a bit obvious.  But I feel like I’ve made a small breakthrough, and that feels good.

Another thing that feels good is cooking and kitchening.  I have already started homemade ginger ale and orange soda today.  And now I am off to the backyard to grill some fish and boil some quinoa.  (About the B-12: I had a burger today and ordered some sublingual supplements.)

About the jaundice… Ugh!

Everything happens for a reason II

April 22, 2009

Or, “Everything happens for another reason.”

Bacchus, I hate that saying.  Really?  Everything?  I didn’t clean out my recycled jars well enough before I put loose-leaf tea in them, thereby making some nice oolong smell like roasted red bell peppers; what was the meaning in that?

I guess that was unnecessarily snarky. 

Meaning is nice, don’t get me wrong.  It’s arguably even necessary.  I try to make every day meaningful somehow.  But many Christians I know are just addicted to meaning, obsessed by the idea of Providence, and completely reliant on the idea that their god is watching over them and acting in their lives.

My husband is starting to suffer from depression.  I was telling him last night that I am recognizing the same symptoms that I had, and if I can help him somehow so that he won’t need anti-depressants as I did, then it will have been worth it.  He sortof chuckled and said he understands; he believes that bad things happen to people so that we can help others who are going through the same bad things. 

It’s like a chain of misery.

Seriously: how is that comforting?  Does that really help people get through suffering– the thought that someday, I will be able to help someone else– does that give meaning to the suffering?  Does it really help?  The thought that helped me was, “I don’t want to live like this.  I want to be happy and content.  I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”  If someone were to try to say to me that a god allowed me to suffer so that I could help someone else later, I would have asked if there was a suggestion box somewhere, or if god is planning to retire any time soon.  Being a tool for  a god doesn’t even ultimately benefit the other suffering person, either, because the point it always god’s glory. 

I suffer and god gets the credit.  Tell me again how that is comforting?